A Day in the Life
by i'm a quitter
Summary: The day goes along as most do for the six year old trouble maker... Terrorize parents, go to school, terrorize girls, play with Rhodey, terrorize parents again... You know, the usual.
1. Waking Up

**Waking Up**

* * *

Six year old Tony Stark would be the first to admit that he wasn't an early bird. He hated _everything_ about mornings, with the exception of Saturday morning cartoons. But any other mornings, no. And school days were especially bad for the young genius.

After his alarm had pulled him out of blissful sleep, Tony had tossed on clothes that he'd possibly worn the day before, stumbled half asleep down the stairs and had sat down to the kitchen table for a full five minutes before realizing that his parents were still asleep.

Grumbling jealously, he poured himself a bowl of cereal and swallowed it without really paying attention to anything around him. He was on autopilot, and he probably would be until recess. But as he placed his bowl in the sink, he noticed that something didn't feel quite right. He got the scare of his life (well, of the morning) when he realized what it was that wasn't right: his head was on backwards!

"Help! Help," he screeched, probably rousing his still sleeping parents on their day off. "Mom! Dad! My _head_! I'm facing backwards! My head got completely twisted around!"

He burst into their room, still shouting and turning on all the brightest lights. He pulled his shirt collar down to show his still sleeping father. "Look! I can read the tag on my shirt! I can see down my own back!"

Without even cracking his eyes open, Howard Stark reached out and tugged Tony's shirt up, poking his belly button. "Feels like your stomach," he muttered, clicking the light off and turning over in the bed.

Tony hiked his shirt up higher and poked it himself, just to be sure. "I guess you're right," he said, taking his shirt off. "I must've just had my _shirt_ on backwards." He put it on the right way and migrated to his mother's side of the bed. "Sorry for waking you," he said without bothering to lower his voice. "Never mind what I was shouting about before. I've got my head on straight after all."

"Oh, I wouldn't go _that_ far," she grumbled, turning away from Tony as well.

Shrugging, Tony exited his parent's room and continued to get ready for school.

Maria Stark reached out and slapped her husband's cheek. Light enough to be a love tap, but hard enough to get his attention. Howard jolted and glared at Maria. "Ow! What on earth was that for?"

"I thought I told you to _stop_ buying him those Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs!"

"Didn't I tell you we should've adopted the twenty-five year old with his own apartment…"

"I don't want to go to school," Tony declared, bursting back into his parent's room. "I _hate_ school! I'd rather do _anything_ than go to school!"

Howard sat up and massaged his temples. "Okay, Tony. You don't have to go to school."

Tony's indignation vanished in an instant. "Really?"

Maria sat up beside her husband, sleepily glaring at him. _"Really?"_

"Nope. I'll go to school and _Tony_ can get a job."

Tony's mouth twisted thoughtfully. "Well…"

Howard shook his head. "Trust me. You'll like working till evening and being responsible for the subsistence of your family. And, lucky you, your whiny kid's griping will be your only reward."

Huffing, Tony stormed out of their room once more to fetch his backpack. "Nice to know there's so much in life to look forward to," he muttered with a scowl.

* * *

So I got this idea when I was thinking about how Tony probably terrorized his parents and his peers as a child. Inspiration also came from reading one of my favorite comics of all time, Calvin and Hobbs!

Edit: And by inspiration, I mean that I was reading Calvin and Hobbs comic strips and was strongly reminded of Ironman and got the idea that, as a child, I imagined that Tony would be very similar to Calvin. In no way, shape, or form do own either Ironman or Calvin and Hobbs. They belong to Marvel and Bill Watterson.


	2. Recess

**Recess

* * *

**

Tony went through the first half of his day on autopilot, pretending to listen to the Ms. Paige's lecture as he dozed. He'd been caught a few times, but he'd never yet been sent to the principal's office for sleeping. His antics were, for the most part, too outrageous for Ms. Paige to be phased by a little sleeping.

But when recess rolled around, Tony was wide awake and ready to expend some energy. A few minutes ago, he'd been eating deviled ham, chocolate milk, grapes, and ice cream, and he was truly looking forward to running around on a playground full of nausea-inducing, disorienting motion devices. It was the one part of school that he actually looked forward to.

He paused to locate his best friend and then shot off in that direction when he saw him on the monkey bars. He reached Rhodey in no time at all and began climbing. Tony easily swung his legs around and pulled himself into a sitting position on top of the monkey bars, getting comfortable as he surveyed the rest of the playground. Rhodey seemed to be struggling, but Tony didn't offer him assistance.

"You know, Rhodey, people don't realize what a burden it is being a genius like me." Rhodey huffed for him to continue, struggling to swing his larger frame the same way Tony had. "It's not easy having a mind that operates on a higher plane than everyone else's," Tony continued. "People just refuse to see that I'm the crux of all history, a boy of destiny!"

Rhodey reached up to grab at a bar, but his finger caught on Tony's pants. Shrieking indignantly, Tony tried to pull away, which only pulled them down farther. "I suppose one could recognize a boy of destiny by his planet and star underpants," Rhodey teased as he finally sat upright next to Tony on top of the monkey bars.

Tony irately scooted out of Rhodey's reach and pulled his pants up unnecessarily high. "Another trenchant comment by a jealous lesser intellect," he declared, nose high in the air.

Rhodey rolled his eyes and suddenly pointed excitedly. "Oh, there's Pepper! You want to go bother her?"

Tony shrugged as he began climbing down. The boys grinned at each other and crouched low to the ground as they crept towards Pepper Potts, who was making a sand castle and minding her own business.

"The fearless Captain Kirk flies low over an uncharted planet," Tony said quietly. "Suddenly, the alien-indicator light flashes, pulling our handsome captain out of his reverie."

"Commander Spock checks the Bizarrotron," Rhodey continued, "and reports a three-point-seven weirdness level."

"Our hero hits the decelerator." Tony and Rhodey slowed down to a pace just short of a crawl as they snuck up on Pepper.

"Watching the alien for signs of distress," Rhodey now whispered, "Spock reflects that weirdness is merely nature's way of adapting life to its environment. Species are endlessly inventive in their will to survive. According to Spock's field guide, the creature is a 'gurl'."

Tony smirked. "Our hero makes a note that the Bizarrotron has been reading a bit low lately as he moves in for further examination of the hideousness of this 'gurl'."

Pepper turned around and glared at the boys. "Would you idiots go away," she snapped. "What are you looking at? Get away from me!"

Rhodey and Tony crept back, singed by her dark look. "What horrible circumstances of evolution would conspire to make a creature so profoundly _UGLY?_" Tony mused.

Rhodey shrugged as the bell rang. "I don't know," he said as they walked back into the building to their respective classes. "I've always thought that Pepper was kind of pretty."

Tony's mouth hung open as he stared at his friend. Pepper Potts? _Pretty?_ "She's a _girl_," Tony said, aghast.

Rhodey shrugged again and Tony narrowed his eyes at his friend. "You traitor," he growled as he disappeared into his classroom. Pepper Potts was most certainly _not_ pretty!


	3. Classroom

**Classroom

* * *

**

Tony sat at his desk, wide awake and bored out of his mind. _This_ was the part of his day that he truly hated. It wasn't the most beautiful day outside, but his eyes continually drifted to the window. He ached to be outside. Ms. Paige had probably seated him near the window on purpose, to remind him of what he couldn't have until that final bell rang.

"Would you stop that and pay attention," Pepper hissed, gesturing to the fingers that he was boredly drumming on his desk.

Tony scowled, but stopped nonetheless, lest Pepper continue to nag at him. Ms. Paige had probably seated Pepper next to him on purpose too. All she ever did was tell him to pay attention. Goody two shoes…

Ms. Paige began passing back everyone's papers from a test they'd taken the day before, and Tony wasn't looking forward to getting his back. The subject had been uninteresting to him, so he hadn't bothered to read the questions. He'd randomly selected answers all down the page and had spent the rest of the time drawing at the bottom.

Tony certainly thought it was a good drawing, but his mother wouldn't appreciate the low grade he'd probably gotten simply because he'd refused to read the questions. Especially since this would be the third time he'd done something like that.

"Here's your test, Pepper," Ms. Paige said, handing the redhead her test with a kind smile. "Very good. And Tony" – here, her voice darkened and the smile vanished – "here's yours. And might I suggest that you stop signing your work, 'Tony, Boy of Destiny'? I think your time would be better spent _studying_ rather than drawing Official Notary Seals at the bottom."

"The arts are always the first to go in public schools," he grumbled as he snatched the paper and looked at his score. Surprised, he nodded his head in approval. He could live with a 'D'. Sixty percent really wasn't so bad considering the fact that he hadn't read a single question…

"Such is my luck," he muttered with an uninterested shrug.

Ms. Paige moved on and continued handing back papers, and Pepper rolled her eyes at Tony. "Boy of Destiny," she asked cynically.

She leaned over to get a better look at Tony's well drawn notary seal, but he quickly flipped his test over. It wasn't finished, and some things were meant to be kept private. "That's right. Boy of Destiny. Get used to it."

She shook her head as she put her test away. "Everyone **I** know thinks your destiny is a private cage in the primate house."

Tony scowled at Pepper. "Yeah? Well maybe _your_ destiny is to have a smile that's all gums!"

Pepper gasped and glared hard at Tony. "I have a pretty smile! And I'll be smart when I grown up. I bet I'll even be the CEO of a big company! And a CEO can have anything she wants!"

Tony smirked as he slouched in his chair to get comfortable. "I don't need to study to be smart. I _know_ that I'll own a company when I grow up. And I'll get everything I ever want in life using only my infectious smile and undeniable charms. And if I can't get what I want that way, I'll buy it. Everyone has a price."

"The way your brain is wired," she muttered grumpily as she got out her notes, "I can almost _hear_ the fuses blowing."

Tony ignored her and began daydreaming as Ms. Paige began yet another lecture. His mind wandered back, so far back…

_Eighty million years ago, back in the late cretaceous, lived the great tyrannosaur, a fearsome theropod of monstrous size! He weighed seven tons at the very least and he epitomized the concept of a true carnivore, a fearsome killer! His jaws had teeth like railroad spikes, his dental hardware designed for quick evisceration! With thrashing bites and awful roars, the T. Rex was truly a savage Mesozoic maniac!_

_Imagine, then, the panic caused, when this monster came to town and ate some folks that very morning! The horror! The mayhem! It was a sight few will forget! He lunged into the crowd! The multitude of defenseless humans scattered like rats from the sun, their screams long and loud! People pushed to get away! The elderly and small were trampled underfoot by the advancing stampede of terrified humans! Little Tim was on an errand with his brother Travis. They dawdled by the candy shop and both boys were…_

_"TONY!"_ Tony jumped as Ms. Paige glared at him and leaned over his desk. "Pay attention!"

Tony sighed heavily. "You know, when you change the channel, I don't think the original program should be able to change it back."

"We're studying _geography_! I'll ask again: what state do you live in?"

Tony's eyes lit up as a wide smile spread across his face. "Denial!"

Sighing heavily, Ms. Paige made her way back to the front of the classroom. "I don't suppose I can argue with _that_…"

Pepper shook her head and got back to taking her notes. "Virtual reality has _nothing_ on you, Tony Stark."

Not at all taking offense, he turned to her with that same winning smile. "Didn't I tell you I could get my heart's desire with just this smile, Pepper Potts?"


	4. Going Home

Quick note – For those that are wondering (and I'm sorry that I didn't formally address it), Tony, Rhodey, and Pepper are all around six/seven years old in this. And I know that their language is a little (okay, a LOT) on the sophisticated side. That's either because A.) they're whiz kids too, or B.) it's a side effect of hanging around Tony 'The World Revolves Around Me' Stark. Honestly, I can't decide. Maybe a bit of both? I'll let you be the judge. :)

Now, on with the chapter!

* * *

**Going Home

* * *

**

Tony and Rhodey strolled in companionable silence on their way home from school. It looked like it might rain soon, but that didn't encourage them to walk any faster. Hating the silence, Tony sighed loudly simply to make some noise. Rhodey smirked and shook his head. He knew that Tony wasn't a fan of silence.

"Alright, Stark. Shoot."

"I had a thought…" He held up a hand to silence Rhodey before he could make a smart remark. 'Did it hurt?' he'd probably say. "More like an epiphany, and here it is." Tony stopped and pointed at the sidewalk cracks. "Let's say life is this square of sidewalk. We're born at this crack and we die at that crack." Rhodey stared at each respectively, nodding his understanding. "Now, we find ourselves somewhere inside the square, and in the process of walking out of it. Suddenly we realize our time in here is fleeting. Is our quick experience here pointless? Does anything we say or do in here really matter? Have we done anything important? Have we been happy? Have we made the most of these precious few footsteps?"

Rhodey blinked and stared at the crack that symbolized the end of his short existence. "That's deep." It was all he could say. He wasn't sure how long they stared at it, but both couldn't quite wrap their minds around how insignificant they truly were in that moment. Both were brought out of their daze, however, when a few drops began falling out of the sky. Rhodey finally looked up and saw that it was starting to rain. "Uh oh," he said, holding his hand out to catch a few drops.

Tony, however, shook his fist at the sky and began shouting. "Stop this right now! I had big plans outside today and I don't want to see them ruined!" In response, the rain began coming down harder. Tony shrieked indignantly. "Hey! Are you listening? Stop raining! I mean it!"

The sky flashed brightly for an instant and then a crack of thunder shook both boys to the bone. Tony glared at Rhodey. "You going to make me do this all by myself?"

"You're obviously making it worse."

"Bearing that in mind, I repeat: are you going to make me do this by myself?"

Rhodey blinked before looking up to the sky, drenching his face. What was the worst that could happen? "You want to play rough, do you," he shouted at the sky. "Well fine! It's man against the elements! Conscious being versus insentient nature! Our wits against your force. We'll see who triumphs!"

"Do your worst," Tony joined in. "Come on! Let's see what you've got! You can't crush the human spirit! On behalf of all earthly life, we defy you!"

"Yeah, this is just like a bath," Rhodey announced, shrugging off his backpack and peeling off his drenched shirt. "No big deal!"

"I think I'll take my clothes off too," Tony said as he did so. "Now we can splash around! What say you to _THAT?_"

**"OW!"** Rhodey rubbed his arm and glared at the little red welt that was already starting to raise on his skin. Tony frowned at it until he felt something hit his back too.

"**OUCH****!** What's with the hail? That's fighting dirty!"

"**OW****!** Are you trying to _kill_ us or something? **AH! **What's wrong with you?"

Rhodey started running and Tony followed behind him, both boys naked and running for their lives as they covered their heads to avoid the hail. "**OW!** We're leaving. **YOUCH!** We quit! We quit!"

Maria paced back and forth in front of the front door. She wasn't overly anxious, but it hadn't escaped her notice that it was taking a little longer for Tony and Rhodey to get home than it usually did. And the severe thunderstorm warning that had been issued did nothing to calm her slowly building worry. "The rain must've slowed them down," she commented, looking out the window.

Howard looked up from his schematics long enough to cock an eyebrow at her. "Dearest, _tranquilizers_ wouldn't slow those boys down," he told her flatly. "They'll be fine."

"But what about poor Rhodey? His house isn't for another block and a half and hail has started coming down. I don't want him walking home in this weather by himself…"

Howard shrugged, not bothering to look up from his work. "Call his mother. I'm sure she'll let him stay the night."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, both Starks slowly stared at each other. "Are you sure," she asked quietly. "I know you still haven't recovered from the Noodle Incident…"

"Well it's hard to recover when you keep bringing it up," he said shortly, slapping his papers on the table with a heavy sigh. "Maybe I could drive him home?"

Maria shook her head as she made her way over to the phone and dialed the Rhodes' residence. She waited as it rang on the other end. "Howard, you know as well as I do that Rhodey will burst in and shout, 'Mom, Dad, I'm home!' And besides, you promised you'd take Tony to the park today and obviously that's not going to happen. The least we could do is let his friend stay the night. It's better than letting Tony entertain himself."

"You're okay with this only because you weren't _here_ for the Noodle Incident," he seethed as he picked up his papers. "It's not even about the Noodle Incident. But you'll learn."

Rhodey's mother finally picked up and the two women made arrangements for him to spend the night at their house. While it seemed that her husband was still recovering from the chaos the boys had caused the last time Rhodey had spent the night, she really didn't want him out there alone in this weather. And they couldn't _still_ be that bad. The Noodle Incident had been well over a year ago...

As if on cue, the front door flew open as Maria hung up the phone. Tony and Rhodey bolted into the house, both stark naked. Shouting something about the universe having an attitude problem, they ran up the stairs to Tony's room and slammed the door.

Maria quietly closed the front door and leaned her back against it. "I'll bet there's an explanation for this," she murmured to herself, "and I'll bet I don't want to hear it."

Howard stood with a winning smile and kissed Maria on the cheek. "Have fun, dearest. I'll be in my workshop, deeply engrossed in my work and unwilling to be bothered by anything short of the apocalypse."


	5. Club House

**Club House

* * *

**

Tony and Rhodey sat proudly in their Club house, which they'd constructed out of numerous couch cushions, blankets, and an umbrella. After getting dressed (Rhodey had to wear some of Tony's brand new clothes because he was taller, but Tony didn't mind), they'd stolen a few sheets of Mr. Stark's newspaper and had made hats.

Capes - which happened to be expertly draped blankets - billowing and heads held high, Tony and Rhodey surveyed the living room, now their kingdom. Tony gave a short bark of laughter. "As I, the maniacal tyrant, look down upon my pathetic subjects, I reflect on how their puny lives mean nothing to me except as the brute labor necessary to execute my mad designs!" He threw his head back and laughed. "My lunatic whims are their laws! My diabolical – "

"Tony!" his mother shouted from upstairs, "did you take out the trash like I asked you to?"

Rhodey shook his head as he looked at Tony. "Being a parent must be nice."

Tony waved a hand dismissively. "Just pretend we didn't hear that. She won't mind. Shall we get started?"

"We shall," Rhodey said with a noble nod.

"Attention," Tony called. "All rise! This meeting of G.R.O.S.S. is now called to order by the superlative dictator-for-life, the ruler supreme, the fearless, the brave, the held-in-high-esteem, Tony the Bold!" He spread his arms wide and took a bow. "Yes, stand up and hail his humbleness now! May his wisdom prevail!"

Rhodey saluted him, and Tony placed his hand over his heart as his friend began speaking. "Three cheers for first man and Chief Executive Officer, Rhodey, the delight of all intellects! He's savvy! He has a prodigious IQ, and lots of panache, as all great men do! In his fancy chapeau" – he lifted his newspaper hat, which was folded marginally better than Tony's was – "he's a leader with taste! May his orders be heeded and his views be embraced!"

Tony nodded his approval. "Good. This meeting of **G**et **R**id **O**f **S**limy Girl**S** club is now in session! First man Rhodey will present the financial report."

But Rhodey frowned down at Tony. "Wait, we didn't sing the G.R.O.S.S. anthem."

Tony huffed, scowling at Rhodey. "That's because we sing at the _end_ of the meeting."

"I want to sing it _now_," Rhodey said, folding his arms across his chest defiantly.

Tony pulled out the papers that they had brought to the club house, flipping through them. "We can't. We have to follow proper protocol!" He found the right page and rudely thrust it in his friend's face. "See? It says on the agenda that we sing the anthem _last_!"

Rhodey cleared his throat and began belting anyway. _"OHHOHH GROHOSS! BEST CLUB IN THE COSMOS…"_

Outraged, Tony reached forward and knocked Rhodey's hat off, throwing it into the other room. "Stop that, you anarchist," he shouted. "You get two demerits for singing the club anthem before it was on the agenda!"

"Well _you_ get _five_ demerits for not taking off your hat during the hallowed refrain!" Rhodey grabbed Tony's hat and crumpled it into a ball, tossing it into the other room as well.

"You can't give me demerits! I outrank you!"

"Yeah right! You're just a figurehead! Your duties are purely ceremonial! I have all the _real_ responsibilities!"

"_What?_ I'm dictator-for-life! I have ten _times_ more importance than a lowly first man! A _hundred_ times! A _million_ times!"

"If you're so important," Rhodey asked, sticking his tongue out, "then how come you sing the soprano part of our anthem?

Tony screeched in outrage. _"THAT'S JUST TILL MY VOICE CHANGES!_ By golly, I won't stand for this insubordination!" He shoved Rhodey. "You are hereby demoted to 'club mascot'."

"Oh yeah?" Rhodey shoved him back. "Well you can be 'club chowder head' because I _quit!_ I'm forming my _own_ club, and it's going to be a lot better than this one!"

"Your sorry club won't have a cool acronym for a name, I bet!"

"It will too! _My_ club is called 'T.O.A.D'."

Tony frowned thoughtfully. "T.O.A.D.? Why's it called _that?_"

"**T**ony's **O**bviously** A** **D**ope!"

"_THAT'S NOT A NAME FOR A CLUB!_ If your club's called 'Tony's Obviously a Dope', then I'm changing the name of this club to… to… to 'Rhodey is a good for nothing _baldy'_!"

Rhodey gasped, then narrowed his eyes at Tony. "An insult! I declare eternal war on your club!"

Tony folded his arms across his chest as he turned his back on Rhodey. "Go ahead! From now on, we're bitter enemies!"

Rhodey followed suit and turned his back on Tony. "Wait till you see my cunning strategies! I'll have maps and secret codes…"

"Pha! I'll have strategies! I'll have maps! I'll have codes, and they'll all be _better_ than yours!"

"I'm going to write myself a secret message in code right now!" Rhodey snatched up a pen and paper, scribbling madly. "It says, 'Tony smells like a baboon!' "

"Ha! I broke your code already," Tony boasted, but then hit Rhodey's shoulder. "I do _not!_

"When you see how cool _my_ club is, you'll beg to be in it, but I won't let you!"

"Who needs your stupid club? I've got my own club! How do you like _them_ apples?"

"Oh yeah, well _my_ club dedicates itself to the destruction of _your_ stupid club!" Rhodey shoved Tony, who staggered before catching himself and shoving back.

"Good! It's a battle to the finish! This is total war!"

"Oh yeah? We'll see about that!"

They jumped at each other and began struggling furiously for the upper hand. What Tony lacked in height and strength, he made up for in energy and hotheadedness. Knowing that his head was thick (in the literal sense, of course), Tony bent his neck and pushed forward, hitting Rhodey square in the chest.

Rhodey coughed and fell to the ground, the wind completely knocked out of him. When he didn't inhale, Tony stopped and peered over him, slightly worried. Rhodey shouted in triumph and rolled them over as he pulled Tony to the ground, attempting to sit on his head.

_"BOYS!"_ Both boys froze completely, cringing and cowering at the sound of Maria's irate voice. She marched right up to the clubhouse and glared. "Don't you try hiding behind that blanket, James Rhodes. What is all this racket?"

"We were getting rid of slimy girls, mom," Tony declared.

Maria rubbed her eyes with the heels of her palms. "And _what_ would possess you to do something like that?"

Pressing his lips together, Tony shrugged. "Poor genetic material?"

She sighed. "Just _stop_ it, boys! You know better than that! I think you two had better clean up this mess and go do your homework."

Rhodey huffed and began putting the cushions back without complaint, but Tony pouted, sitting just a moment longer. "We always get in trouble for following our charter," he grumbled.

Rhodey shrugged as he took down the blankets. "That's how you can tell that this is a great club. Talk about something to look back on with pride in our declining years."


	6. Procrastination

**Procrastination

* * *

**

There _had_ to be a way out of doing their homework. Tony rubbed at his smooth chin absently. He couldn't wait to have facial hair. And he wouldn't have a regular goatee either. People would take a good look at him and rush to their barbers for 'the Stark Goatee'...

He shook his head. "Focus," he muttered. As they entered the kitchen, they were met with the sight of Howard rummaging in the fridge.

And suddenly Tony had it! Something about physically seeing his parents always gave him ideas.

He sighed heavily and loudly plopped into one of the chairs at the table. Howard's entire body became rigid and he slowly turned to Tony. "What do you want, Tony," he asked cautiously.

"Mom yelled at Rhodey and I for fighting in our clubhouse," he said in a somber tone.

Howard went back to his rummaging. "So maybe don't fight where you're mother can hear you and you won't get in trouble," he suggested.

Tony repeated that sentence in his head a few times before he had it verbatim and could store it in the back of his mind for further use. He nodded to Rhodey, who winked as he sat across the table from Tony, catching on to the game. "We shouldn't be yelled at for anything, Mr. Stark," Rhodey said in a diplomatic tone. "We've come to a conclusion: nothing bad that we do is our fault."

At that, Howard turned to completely face the boys, one eyebrow cocked in amusement. "Oh?"

Tony nodded. "Being young and impressionable, we're the helpless victims of countless influences. An unwholesome culture panders to our undeveloped values and pushes us to maleficence."

"We're innocent pawns," Rhodey concluded. "It's society's fault."

With a smile, Howard rubbed his hands together. "That sounds _awful!_ Well, to counteract all of this 'unwholesome pandering', I think you boys need to build more character." He pointed to the sink full of dirty dishes. "They aren't going to wash themselves."

Tony gasped, shaking his head. "I didn't – "

"No."

"We have to – "

"No. You're right. If you don't know the difference between right and wrong, then your mother and I are to blame. Because of that, we ought to be cracking down on you a little more. So hop to it. Do the dishes."

Howard strolled out of the kitchen with the sandwich he'd found, leaving Rhodey to glare at Tony from across the table. "Why do I follow your lead?"

Tony grumpily got up and grabbed a dish towel. "It's not _my_ fault that these discussions never go where they're supposed to."

It took them only half an hour to finish doing the dishes, but it was the longest half hour of Tony's day. When they finished, Rhodey picked up the rest of the newspaper that Howard had left behind and flipped through it. "My mom reads her horoscope every day," he explained as Tony gave him a strange look. "Some of the predictions are ridicules, but others are really funny. What's your sign?"

Tony rolled his eyes. "Sign? I'm Tony Stark. I don't need a sign."

Rhodey shook his head. "Your birthday is April 2nd, right? That'd make you an Aries…"

"Who cares? I don't need the alignment of planets to plan out my life for me."

"Okay, yours says, 'Popularity zooms upward'. You want me to stop?"

Tony paused and glanced at Rhodey curiously. "Go on."

"It goes on to say, 'New encounters pay big dividends. Emphasize romance. Opposite sex will always find you irresistible. Lucky love life'."

Tony shook his head frantically, covering his ears. **"OH **_**NO!**_**"**

Laughing hysterically, Rhodey folded his hands under his chin and batted his eyes at Tony. "I bet **I** know what the big dividends are! Woo woo!"

Still shaking his head, Tony started panicking. "I can't go to school tomorrow! I don't _want_ to be popular! I don't _want_ to be irresistible to girls! I don't _want_ big dividends!"

"Oh, it's not just for tomorrow. It's for the rest of your _life_!"

But Tony wasn't listening to Rhodey anymore. He was downright hysterical. "What if Pepper tries to hold my hand? Or tries to _hug_ me? What if she _**kisses**_ me? I don't want romance! I _hate_ Pepper! _MOM!_ Call me in sick!"

Rhodey's grin only got wider. "No one mentioned Pepper, but I'll bet you two would make a cute couple!"

"_**NO!**_ I'd don't even believe in astrology!"

"Tony and Pepper sitting in a tree…"

"The whole concept of astrology is phony!"

"Muchas smooches!"

"Stop it! None of this is true! It never will be!"

"When's the wedding?" Rhodey asked, howling with laughter. "Should I wear my _spats_?"

Tony jumped over the chair and tackled Rhodey, knocking them both to the ground. "In a minute you'll be wearing a _body cast_!"

"_Try_ it, lover boy! We'll see how you kiss girls with a fat lip!"

"Take it back! I'm _never_ getting married _**ever!**_"

"Oh! Love 'em and leave 'em, eh? You rake!"

"That does it! I'm going to knock you into next week!"

"And what'll you do without me tomorrow, huh?"

"My life isn't controlled by outside forces! I'm the master of my own fate! I'll just do something to discourage romance!"

"You can't! _Smoldering_ _passion_ with _Pepper_ _Potts_ is your fate! It's written in the stars!"

**_"_**_**EWW!"**_

**_"_**_**BOYS!"**_ They froze for the second time that evening to listen to Maria's harsh yelling. _"I thought I told you to stop all that racket and do your homework!"_

"Dad made us do the dishes!" Tony hollered back.

"Just… _ENOUGH!_ It's time for dinner anyway. Go wash up."

Reluctantly, they let each other go and dusted themselves off. "Maybe you could put a worm in her hair," Rhodey suggested.

Tony thought about it for a second before nodding. "That could work. She'd probably kick me in the shins, and _that_ certainly doesn't sound like zooming popularity or smoldering romance."


	7. Dinner and a Visitor

**Dinner and a Visitor

* * *

**

"The problem with rock 'n roll," Tony continued, "is that the generation that created it is now the establishment. Rock pretends it's still rebellious with its video posturing, but who believes it? The stars are either 45-year-old zillionaires or they endorse soft drinks! The 'revolution' is a capitalist industry! Give me a break!"

"Tony," his mother grumbled, "stop stalling and just _eat your food!_"

Tony eyed the steamed broccoli he'd been given with distrust. Giving it a quick sniff, he cringed before turning back to Rhodey. "Fortunately, I've found some protest music for _today's_ youth!"

The other boy rolled his eyes as he ate his vegetables without complaint. "Easy-Listening music isn't protest music."

"It is so! And I play it real quiet, too!"

_"__Tony! EAT!"_

He turned his nose up again as he stared at his plate. He speared a dark green ball and stared at it. "What _is_ this? Poison?"

"Try it."

He pinched his nose as he set the fork down. "That means I'm going to hate it, right?"

"Just _try_ it!"

Tony leaned over to Rhodey and whispered, "I'll bet it is poison. She's just mad because I broke her code." He took a big drink of his juice and let out a long and loud belch. _**"BUH-URRRRRRP!"**_

Mouth hanging open, Maria stared at her son. "Good _heavens_, Tony! What do you say after that?"

Tony smiled proudly. "Great diaphragm control, huh?"

Shaking her head, she snatched his plate and went to put more food on it. Tony scowled at her back and slouched in his chair. "She'll be sorry when I'm a famous soloist for the orchestra," he muttered angrily.

Rhodey shrugged. "Maybe she thinks your pitch is off."

Maria set Tony's newly filled plate in front of him, and he saw neither hide nor hair of meat. He gave his mother a scandalized glare. "What if we die and it turns out that God is a giant _VEGETABLE?_" he screeched. "What then?"

Maria covered her face with her hands, shaking her head tiredly. "I should've let your father drive him home."

_"__ETERNAL CONSEQUENCES, THAT'S WHAT!"_

"Oh, just eat the Brussels sprouts, you big baby," Rhodey said, finishing what was left on his plate. "Or next time she'll do like my mom does and just cut the vegetables up and hide them in meatballs and keep it a secret."

Tony huffed as he pushed the various vegetables around on his plate with an overly dramatic scowl. "The only secret mom can keep is her age," he grumbled.

**_"WHAT?"_**

Tony jumped to his feet and raced out of the dining room. "I think I heard the doorbell ring," he shouted as he made it to the front door and threw it open. Tony took a step back in shock, hardly expecting to see Mrs. Potts and Pepper standing at the front door, huddled under an umbrella.

"Hello, Tony," Mrs. Potts said kindly. "May we come in?"

Tony was staring wide eyed at Pepper, hardly hearing anything else. His horoscope… Rhodey's words… _"__**Smoldering passion**__ with __**Pepper Potts**__…"_

Tony swallowed hard. "Ahh…"

"Allison!" Maria came to the front door with a wide smile, shooing Tony out of the way so the Potts' could enter. "Come on in. It's terrible out there!"

"It is," Allison agreed as she and her daughter stepped inside. "Pepper thought she saw a poor animal lying out there, hurt by the hail or something. Imagine my surprise when we pull over and find that they're clothes and backpacks! I figured…"

She bit her lip as she glanced down at Tony and Rhodey, who'd just joined them. Maria also threw a pointed look at her son and his friend. "I'm sure anyone else in the neighborhood would've come to the same conclusion," she said tiredly. "Thank you for bringing them by…"

Tony was still staring at Pepper with wide and fearful eyes, and Rhodey stood next to him with a thousand watt grin. Pepper looked between the two of them strangely. "Here's your backpack," she finally said, holding out the sopping wet bag for Tony to take. "We didn't know that Rhodey was here too. Mom will probably bring your bag in here in a minute."

"No rush," Rhodey said cheerfully, bouncing on his heels.

Tony continued to stare at Pepper until she finally scowled and threw the bag at his face. He pulled the dripping wet bag off of his face and glared back at Pepper. "I don't love you," he said flatly.

She huffed and crossed her arms across her chest. "Well I don't love you _more_."

_"__Good!"_

"You couldn't handle me anyway!" She flipped her red hair over her shoulder with a haughty expression. "How could you possibly stand the thought of being around someone that's so much smarter and better looking than you?"

"Ha! I'm smarter _and_ better looking! And I can handle anything!"

"No you can't!"

"Oh yes I can! _Anything_, because I'm Anthony Edward Stark! My horoscope even said that I'd get big dividends from you, but I can handle that too! You know why? Because I'm Tony Stark! And I could do a lot worse than you!"

"And what's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"That your prettier and smarter than most of the girls at school." He gasped and covered his mouth with wide eyes, taking a step back. Rhodey's smile was now bright enough to eclipse the sun. He made a big show of clearing his throat and began singing. "_WHEN A MAAHAAAN LOVES A WOO – "_

Tony led out a hair-raising screech and disappeared up the stairs in record time, slamming his door with enough force to shake the house. Rhodey was rolling back and forth on the floor, laughing so hard that he seemed to be having trouble breathing. Pepper simply stared off into space, replaying what Tony had just said to her. And the one thought kept repeating itself in her mind was, _Ick ick ick ick ick…_

"Virginia, honey," her mother said cautiously, "You know, Tony is – "

Pepper snapped out of her stupor and shook her head as she stared ahead blankly. "No, mother," she said flatly. "He's nauseating and I never want to speak of this to _anyone! EVER!_ _**ICK!**_"


	8. Homework

**Homework

* * *

**

After Tony's swift exit, he'd waffled a bit about what to do. Rhodey would never _ever** EVER**_ let him forget that outburst, but he trusted that the entire neighborhood wouldn't find out about it. And honestly, Pepper had seemed too grossed out to ever want to think about it again. So he was in the clear, and he could put the whole thing behind him.

At least for the rest of the night.

After a moment of standing in the middle of his room, he finally decided that he wanted to write. Getting some thoughts down on paper was supposed to have its rewards, wasn't it?

He grabbed a pencil and paper and shut his mind off as his pencil began moving. Rhodey found him at his desk in his room not five minutes later, still wearing that goofy grin. "Writing a love letter?" he asked.

Tony rolled his eyes. He'd expected that, and he was going to ignore it. "Being a genius, my ideas are naturally more important and interesting that other people's, such as yourself."

Rhodey's smile disappeared, just as Tony had predicted. "Gee, _thanks_."

Tony shrugged. "Anytime. I figure the world would benefit from a record of my mental activities."

"How philanthropic of you."

"Yeah, well, the world isn't going to get it cheap."

"What are you even writing?"

Tony held up the paper with a thoughtful expression. "I couldn't really think of anything, so I'm drawing some Martians attacking the world in general."

Rhodey snatched the paper and began reading the captions at the top of the four pictures he'd drawn. In one square was a drawing of the earth with a flying saucer headed in that direction.

_"The aliens came from a far and distant world, in a large yellow ship that blinked as it twirled. It rounded the moon, and entered our sky. We knew they had come, but we didn't know why."_

The next picture showed the saucer hovering several hundred feet above ground, with a large straw-like tube sticking in the ocean.

_"Bright the next morning, with noisy commotion, the ship slowly moved out over the ocean. It lowered a tube and drained the whole sea, for transport back to their home galaxy."_

Next was a picture of mass panic. People in the streets running and screaming and apparently choking. Above, the tube was sticking in a cloud.

_"The tube then sucked up the clouds and the air, causing no small amount of earthling despair. With nothing to breathe, we started to die. 'Help us! Please stop!' was the public outcry."_

Lastly, Tony had drawn a close-up of the spaceship, and a loudspeaker was sticking out of the top.

_"A hatch opened up and the aliens said, 'We're sorry to learn that you soon will be dead, but though you may find this slightly macabre, we prefer you're extinction to the loss of our jobs'."_

Rhodey shook his head with a smirk as he handed the paper back to Tony. "I'm lost for words. You have a one of a kind imagination, Tony."

"Is it too far-fetched?" Tony asked.

"Not enough, really," was the answer. Rhodey tilted his head to the side as he further observed Tony's drawings. "Is that the back of yesterday's math homework?"

Tony shrugged. "Oh, I'm not going to do my math homework anymore." He turned over the page and motioned to the equations that'd hardly been looked at. "Look at all these unsolved problems. Here's a number in mortal combat with another. One of them is going to get subtracted, but why? How? What will be left of him? If I answered these, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn intriguing possibilities into boring ol' facts."

Rhodey hummed thoughtfully. "I guess I never really thought about the _literary_ qualities of math."

"That's what you have me for," Tony said as he turned the paper over to continue drawing in details. "Personally, I prefer to saver the mystery."


	9. Bedtime

**Bedtime

* * *

**

Howard meandered into the living room and glanced from the boys - lounging on the couch without a care in the world - to his watch. "Alright, boys. Time for bed."

"I don't have to go to bed right now," Tony said matter-of-factly without even bothering to look up.

"Actually, you do," his father stated in the same bored tone. "It's in your contract."

That caught Tony's attention, and he turned to his father with a frown. "My contract? What contract?"

Howard shrugged. "Oh, it's a pretty standard pre-natal form. I've had power of attorney since you were nothing more than a few cells. Paragraph two specifies your bedtime."

Sitting up taller, Tony frowned distrustfully at his father. "May I _see_ this contract?"

"Nope. Paragraph three specifies that the contract is non-negotiable until you reach the age of eighteen. For that reason, no one may lay eyes on it until then."

Scowling, Tony and Rhodey got up and went into the kitchen to sneak some snacks in case they got hungry in the middle of the night. "I'll bet there isn't any contract at all," he muttered.

Rhodey nodded. "Maybe you can renegotiate when you're a little older. A 7:30 bedtime will be pretty tough to explain to Pepper when you two go to prom…"

"_OH!_ Give it a **_REST!_**"

After collecting their snacks, Rhodey and Tony made their way from the kitchen to the living room, each holding a full bowl of pudding. Both boys stopped in front of the large TV, which was currently playing an episode of Transformers.

The boys knelt before the TV. "Oh, greatest of the mass media," Tony began, "thank you for elevating emotion, reducing thought, and stifling imagination."

"Thank you for the artificially quick solutions," Rhodey added, "and for the insidious manipulation of human desires for commercial purposes."

Both boys raised their bowls above their heads. "These bowls of lukewarm tapioca represent our brains," Tony said. "We offer this in humble sacrifice. Bestow thy flickering light forever."

They bowed down to the large screen TV and got up. After a few seconds of watching, they grumbled as they made their way to bed. But as soon as they settled into Tony's large bed, they were prepared to hear a bedtime story.

Tony's father soon came in and began scanning the collection of books. "What story would you boys like tonight?" he asked cheerfully. "We can read anything except…"

"Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie," the boys shouted excitedly.

Howard cringed. "_No_! No Hamster Huey tonight! We've read that book a _million_ times!"

"I want Hamster Huey," Tony demanded.

"Me too!"

Howard rubbed at his eyes. "Look, you _know_ how the story goes! You've memorized the whole thing! It's the same story _every_ _**day**_!"

_**"**__**WE. WANT. HAMSTER. HUEY!"**_

Howard crawled into bed twenty minutes later and snuggled close to his wife, who hummed thoughtfully. "They're mighty quiet," she observed. "You promise to buy them video games or something?"

Howard smirked victoriously. "Nope. Just told them a bedtime story. Something to stimulate _real_ thought."

Maria hummed again. "I swear, that child is going to give me a full head of gray hair before I reach forty!"

"And you'd still be beautiful," Howard said, kissing the back of her neck. "And besides, our suffering isn't for nothing. I was this way with my parents, so Tony's children will obviously drive him to near insanity with their shenanigans. He'll get what's coming to him when he's our age." Bearing that thought in mind, Howard Stark fell asleep with a wide smile on his face.

Tony and Rhodey sat in the dark room with wide eyes. "Wow," Rhodey said finally.

"Yeah," Tony agreed.

"The story was different _that_ time!"

Tony could only nod. "Do you think the townsfolk will ever find Hamster Huey's head?"

_"MOM!"_

Maria sat up in the bed, groggily crawling out with a scowl as she padded her way down the hall to Tony's room. "Your father checked for monsters before you went to bed, boys," she nearly growled. "What is it?"

"Monsters," Tony answered.

Maria ran her fingers through her hair and tugged a little in her frustration. "So how did they get there after your father left?"

_"__DO YOU WANT ME TO CRAWL UNDER AND __**ASK**__ THEM?"_ he screeched indignantly.


	10. Karma

**Karma

* * *

**

Young Ethan Stark and Sean Rhodes sat at the kitchen table, one pouting as he stared at the blank piece of paper in front of him and the other idly playing a video game on his Nintendo DS. At the other end of the table sat Tony, who had been doing rough sketches of improvements on various small projects while the six-year-olds did their homework.

His lovely wife (Pepper Potts, of _course_) had recently insisted that he sit down with their son and make sure that the boy actually did his homework. Rhodey's son was spending the night at their house, so Tony had decided to hover over both of them while they did their homework out of fairness.

Tony had thought it was a bit much to actually watch their son while he did his homework, but they'd been sitting at the table for half an hour and Tony had seventeen full pages of work while Ethan had yet to write his name at the top of his paper. And Sean had smugly declared that he'd finished his homework on the bus as he cranked up the volume on his dinosaur game. Together they were nearly as bad as Tony and Rhodey had been. Possibly worse.

Tony immediately realized the distress that his son was in and tried not to laugh. Ethan was his carbon copy in every way imaginable.

"If you ask _me_," Ethan said, finally breaking the silence, "these assignments don't teach you how to write. They teach you how to _hate_ to write." Tony put down his notebook and nodded for his son to continue. Sean did the same with his game. "Deadlines, rules, how to do it, grades… how can you be expected to be so creative when someone's breathing down your neck?"

Tony opened his mouth to reply, but Sean beat him to it. "Maybe you should try not to think about the end result too much and just have fun with the process of creating."

"Every time I do that, I end up in the school psychologist's office," Ethan said innocently.

Tony rolled his eyes. "Well, maybe not _that_ much fun," he said, his mind drifting back to his last meeting with one of adults at Ethan's school that had been 'concerned for his well-being'. It hadn't been the best visit, as the woman had declared that Tony's influence was the reason for his son's behavior.

It was probably true, but the way she'd said it had been highly insulting.

"Well," Tony began, "if we just put on our thinking caps - "

Ethan's entire expression lit up. "Hey! That's it! I've got an idea!"

Tony smiled proudly as he reached for his notebook. "For your story?"

"Nope! I've thought of a way that I won't have to write one!"

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Tony pushed the notebook away and looked up to find his son's seat vacant. Sean got up to follow Ethan with an exasperated huff and Tony, sensing disaster, followed suit. "Pardon?"

"Come on, dad! We're going to make a _time machine_! All we have to do is go a few hours into the future and find me! I'll have finished my story by then, so we'll pick it up and bring it back to the present! That way I won't have to write it! Boy, where would I be without you?"

"Conceivably," Tony muttered, "you might be working on your assignment. You do realize that your future self won't have written – "

Sean tugged at Tony's wrist and shook his head. "Let him have his moment," he said in a tired tone.

Shaking his head, Tony opened the door to his workshop and let Ethan and Sean in to rummage around. Ethan talked to himself out loud as he searched, creating a blueprint that even Tony could visualize. And when Tony began mentally adding and subtracting components here and there to the time machine, he had to stop himself and rub his temples to get the blood flowing. "I'd love to see Pepper's face when I tell her why his homework isn't done by the time she gets home," he said to himself as he settled into a chair to watch.

"She'll probably be mad and she won't want to watch a really loud movie with you tonight," Ethan said with innocent disinterest.

Tony rubbed his face with his hand to hide cheeks that had turned a violent shade of scarlet. "Nothing's on tonight, anyway," he muttered, glancing at Rhodey's son.

Ethan instructed Sean to stand still and began getting various scraps of metal and strategically placing them on his friend. "Something doesn't make sense here," Sean grumbled, "and I think it's me in this time travel gear. And where on earth are you planning on putting that colander?"

Ethan waved a hand in dismissal as he eyed his work. "Relax! We'll be back as soon as we go."

Tony shook his head and looked at the ceiling with a wry smirk. "Laugh it up, dad. Laugh it up…"

* * *

**The End**

So, I believe thanks are in order: To everyone that decided to read - either a little or a lot - thank you! You're the reason I don't quit, the reason I write in the first place, and the reason I'm excited to update so quickly for all of you. You're all awesome, thank you and goodnight!


End file.
